Blog

Matzah with Maror, and Matzah without it…

The Alter Rebbe makes an observation that in devarim it describes two aspects of Matzah. That
which was eaten at the first seder in mitzrayim and that which was eaten after the Jewish
People left. The first was made proactively to be utilized with the Korban Pesach and the
second was made “accidentally” when the jewish people didn’t have enough time to allow their
bread to rise. The later Matzah is discussed in the pasuk in reference to the six days of pesach
which lead us to acharon shel pesach, the miracle of the splitting of the sea and the final
chapter of the exodus story. What is the connection? Why is it that “the afterthought” matzah
brings us to yam suf and not the holy and exalted matzah of the Korban Pesach
In the haggadah we receive correlating “mixed messages” about Matzah, sometimes the
Matzah is described as connected to the ritual of the Korban Pesach and sometimes as a
symbolism of our being rushed out of egypt, which one is it?

There are two times that we eat Matzah at the seder, one is Motzi Matzah the other is Korech.
The first we eat matzah alone, the second along with the mirror, memorializing the Korban
Pesach, Matzah and Maror sandwich eaten at the time of the Holy Temple.
Perhaps each of these correlates to one of the two Matza’s described above. Through kirsch we
are tapping into the ideal state of matzah, the matzah prepared and partaken in holiness with
the marror and korban pesach. The other matzah, the “afterthought” matzah, the one that only
came about because we were rushed and were being rushed out of Mitzrayim, is eaten alone.
The question that leaves us with is why do we eat Maror, the bitter herb with the “holy” matzah
while sanctifying the “afterthought” matzah alone. Also why is it that the “afterthought” matzah is
what carries us to Yam Suf – a more complete geulah, and not the holy matzah which
accompanies the Korban Pesach.

The Alter Rebbe explains that Matzah, as everyone knows, represents the energy of humility,
counteracting chametz (leaven) which represents arrogance (hot air). There are two types of
humility though. One humility emerges out of humiliation, the awareness of how far we have
fallen and how broken and desperate we are. This humility opens us up to receive help from a
higher source and power. Our false ego is reduced making space for the grace of G-d to enter
our lives. This the Alter Rebbe explains is the matzah that we ate with the Korban Pesach. It is
the matzah we eat still in Mitzrayim, the humble bread of humiliation and brokenness. Perhaps
we could add why this matzah is accompanied by the Marmor and Korban Pesach. To make it
possible to connect with this energy we need two supports, the emotional validation that maror
represents; affirming that we indeed have struggled and that these struggles have been bitter.
The next critical need is a simple action oriented call to action. Something to do which reflects
our surrender and commitment to do our part, leaving the rest to G-d, ie,Korban Pesach.
The other type of humility is the sort that emerges out of inspiration and elevated perception.
When we gain a consciousness of the greatness of G-d, and our connection with him we
naturally feel a sense of awe and reverence. Any ego we have is reduced when we realize how
big and wondrous G-d is and how fortunate we are to have the opportunity to be in relationship
with him. This humility perhaps doesn’t require anything else; it stands alone. This is the
Matzah we eat alone before everything else because it stands alone in its spiritual power.
Yet, we are left with a few of our questions and perhaps one more: Why does the second
matzah an “afterthought” if it is elevated and holy? why is it this matzah that carries us to achorn
shel pesach? Lastly, a new question, why do we eat the alone matzah first? why not the other
way around?

The answer to all of these lies not the fact that the first level of humility, the one rooted in
humiliation is really just a stepping stone to the higher level. It was only possible for the jewish
people to get to the elevated level of surrender and humility after the initial level of desperation.
Only through that desperation were they able to begin to leave mitzrayim to start their journey
toward elevated type humility. Yet, this lower level of humility is not enough to carry us to
sea-splitting level miracles, a truly remarkable shift and change in paradigm which transforms
everything, for that we need higher level humility, the type that comes with awe and reverence.
This is why the second type of matzah carries us to achron shel pesach and yam suf.
This elevated level of humility, the kind that emerges out of a state of expansive mindedness,
can’t be influenced or induced by others and it can’t be demanded. It happens somewhat on its
own. As we make ourselves fit to receive an elevated perspective and awareness we are gifted
with a new vision of ourselves, our lives and of G-d. It amounts to a miracle and a gift. As we
take advantage of the gift and access the miracle the door is opened for even greater gifts and
miracles until we reach sea-splitting level shifts and changes, the kind that free us from the
burden of our task masters and abusers. We are quite suddenly free from the grips of guilt,
shame and resentment, and we are not fully sure how we got there. No doubt we put in work to
develop and evolve ourselves spiritually and emotionally but the payoff is so far beyond to effort
its as if we were rushed into it.

So lastly, why do we start with the first type of matzah with elevated humility, especially once we
have learned that the first type, the humiliation broken type is a needed stepping stone? The
answer I believe is that Pesach nowadays is about living in the solution and not in the problem,
it is about celebrating the entirety of the geulah and its presence in our lives to the degree that it
is there.

From empty hatred to empty vessels of love

As our emotional stamina fades, we encounter an impulse to turn on those around us. Our
impatience, our intolerance and our anger is anchored to the unity of darkness. A paradigm
which swears that if there is another there is no me, and if there is to be a me there can be no
other, a scarcity without end. The unity of darkness is falsehood, a lie of freedom from
allegiance and accountability. Empty hatred, anchored to empty faith, anchored to emptiness.
To break free from the shackle of this self-centeredness we must anchor ourselves to a freedom
of truth. An acceptance of our reality, ourselves and of those around us, and a faith that the
needed power will come. To be a vessel capable of receiving this power, to breath in the light of
truth, we must first be empty vessels for love. Channels through which light can flow. When we
share for free and for fun because we want to, we quite suddenly discover that the radiance is
most present when it flows through us.

Empty hatred leaves us in an abyss of darkness, being the abyss of love leads us to an
abundance of light beyond measure.

“Why is this happening to me?” A response to senselessness
When things are at their most challenging our consciousness demands an explanation. Why am
I going through this? Why did that happen? How could they get away with that?
The answer though, the truth of why, is more often than not mindless, beyond limited logic and
reason. As the great Eli Wiesel of blessed memory, once observed, even if you could explain
Auschwitz, would you want to? Would you want to understand the “good reason” behind millions
of deaths and atrocities?

So, where do we go from there? How can we possibly answer what our consciousness’
demands?

In those moments the best answer we have is a shift in our perspective toward the awareness
that these moments are some of the most powerful opportunities we can experience in this life.
The moment and instant in history when the universe calls us to step up and be. When, instead
of sitting back and waiting for answers, we answer the call; “this is whats happening, what am I
gonna do about it.” In a spiritual approach, answering the call is not willing reality to meet our
expectations, it’s fitting ourselves to meet reality.

So, just for today we can breathe deep, lean in, and answer the call of the Universal Spirit.

I read the Guestlines article “Not a Hefker Velt” (Issue 644) and frankly I am angry. I’m angry on behalf of all the parents who were yet again shamed and embarrassed. I’m angry knowing that due to the incorrect thinking and conclusions being presented in this article countless more children will be further hurt. When will it stop?

Let me explain. The article makes the same two mistakes made by so many speakers and writers on the subject of chinuch habanim.

Firstly virtually all of them fail to distinguish between the time-honored values and hashkafos handed down through the mesoras haTorah concerning traditional chinuch habanim and the rules and guidelines needed for what I call “crisis chinuch.”

Essentially everything asserted in the article is correct when applied to standard chinuch habanim and in my experience is universally agreed upon by virtually all young parents as vital to their children’s development. Crisis chinuch however demands a different approach. Crisis chinuch is the method of chinuch needed when traditional chinuch methodology will no longer effectively reach the child.

The second mistake made in the article and by so many others is the accusation that “we do not always know the reasons why a child goes off the derech.” Many mechanchim have most likely spent time with parents of children already in crisis. These confused parents are struggling to save their children any way they can and have most likely out of desperation been compelled to abandon traditional strong discipline as they witness its counterproductive toll on their children.

Instead of extending these parents empathy and encouragement Rabbi Aisenstark — whom incidentally I both love and respect — concludes that their lack of strong discipline is the cause of the problem. He states in the article “It is important to understand that if you don’t discipline your children correctly and with dignity when they are young they may grow up to be vilde chayas a sort of pereh adam.” That is both cruel and patronizing to these hurting terrified parents. Bear in mind that they have most likely valiantly tried the type of chinuch Rabbi Aisenstark suggests only to watch in horror as it backfired.

You see the truth is this: We do know why kids are going off the derech. The problem is our reluctance as a community to acknowledge the truth and do something about it.

I have been working as a mental health professional with struggling youth and their families for 30 years. I have participated in and co-chaired professional conferences devoted to understanding why our kids are struggling. For over ten years I was the clinical director of Our Place a drop-in center for OTD kids in Brooklyn. For ten years I supported and was actively involved in a seminary program in Yerushalayim for formerly frum struggling young women looking to reclaim their lives and religious identity. I experienced this firsthand with some of my own children. Let me go on record once and for all in the hope that there will be no more misunderstandings and that we will no longer unnecessarily hurt kids and parents. There are two main reasons that kids go off the derech.

The most common cause is that these kids have been subject to molestation and abuse. Introducing a child to that world will likely disconnect them from the traditional mesoras haTorah. It is “abuse” on so many levels including “spiritual abuse” — which for many of them becomes the defining challenge of their life. Clearly this is not the place to explore this painful subject. However ask any Orthodox mental health professional or lay activist working with the OTD demographic and this is what you will hear.

The other cause of children going off the derech is that they were simply unable to succeed in our school/yeshivah system and consequently felt unappreciated and unwanted. These kids either had a true learning disability or a de facto learning disability whereby their life circumstances hampered their ability to focus and learn. As such the yeshivah system they were placed in demanded performance that was simply beyond their ability to achieve. Confronted with a constant feeling of failure they emotionally opted out. They were never “drop-outs.” They were “push-outs.”

As far back as 1998 when the topic was first raised in print by the Jewish Observer I have been fighting the inappropriate rhetoric dished up in well-meaning magazine articles lectures and speeches supposedly helping us to be mechanech our kids. Quoting gedolim both past and present to support such confusion is foolish at best and reprehensible at worst. I can quote the same and more gedolim and Chazals to support the opposite approach: letting go of external control and loving our kids back to health.

In these challenging times we must be more precise when we give guidance to parents and Klal Yisrael about raising our kids; we must clearly specify which type of chinuch we are referencing. Are we discussing the topic of regular chinuch habanim al pi hamesorah or are we discussing crisis chinuch for children already struggling? They are similar but different subjects and therefore have different rules. In my opinion anyone who lacks the clarity to make this distinction should refrain from giving guidance.

A second caveat: Please stop putting the cart before the horse and blaming parents. It simply puts more kids off the derech. And as an aside I use the terminology “off the derech” for ease of communication. In truth these children are OOD not OTD. They are off OUR derech while they try to work out if it’s possible and if so how to reintegrate a religious Jewish life into their world of abuse confusion anger and pain.

Let’s face the two issues I have described above bravely maturely and honestly. We owe it to our kids and to future generations of Klal Yisrael.